Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
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The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing