“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
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If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
They got a point!
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.