If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
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WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.