Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
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Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”