Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
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Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.