Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
You Might Also Like
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Twitter fine art
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium