Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
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Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.