My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
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[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
It鈥檚 mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it鈥檚 not poisoned.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you鈥檙e wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
and that鈥檚 why I鈥檓 fat馃き
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
鈥擨nterviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss