@BeerFarts101

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

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@imence2

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

@arunanson

How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb

@BobTheSuit

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

@Erin1137

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

@SonOfCha

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

@Brentweets

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

@fro_vo

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

@danoverhere

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

@VaChina1

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

@bridger_w

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.