mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
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Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?