Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.