Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
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I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
black phone good
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
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Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Pickled cat.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.