Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
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My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
for all #parents out there
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Skills
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.