cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
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My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.