I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
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When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.