I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
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[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.