me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
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Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
cat vs inanimate object
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.