I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
You Might Also Like
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.