The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
You Might Also Like
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
i want to work in this restaurant
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.