i want to work in this restaurant
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Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
“Great, now I have to pee.”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
house sitting!
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
opening twitter today
I love the honesty
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.