Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
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Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.