I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
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Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me: