very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
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Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
That eye roll….
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.