My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
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WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Gods work.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!