An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
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Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I already tried new things thanks.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?