I already tried new things thanks.
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ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.