The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
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Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Real House Wines.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I laughed at this way too hard.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.