I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
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If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane