The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
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I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
No regrets in 2018
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.