No regrets in 2018
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Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
🛁
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth