[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
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It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Bit chilly again tonight.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions