“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
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[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity