constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
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Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.