Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
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