Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
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If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.