My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

You Might Also Like


We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]


HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.


What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.


Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.


Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.


“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.


DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]


At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.


“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”


I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.