@ShitJokes

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

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@Reverend_Scott

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

@Jake_Vig

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

@JohnLyonTweets

What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

@NrouteHQ

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

@JeffLoveness

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

@Reverend_Scott

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

@bourgeoisalien

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

@MissHavisham

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

@cravin4

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.