@AndyAsAdjective BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
@ShitJokes My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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@AndyAsAdjective 
@DrunjAF [Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
@mjkspeaks ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
@dafloydsta [job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
@JasonLastname [Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
@Shade510 These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
@MissHavisham Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
@MaybePileJokes *at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
@RandomAntics we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
@AllieGoertz For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.