My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics