My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

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BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright


[Voice from police helicopter]
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*


ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant


[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.


[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?


These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.


Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?


*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?


we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’


For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.