@ShitJokes

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

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@AndyAsAdjective

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

@DrunjAF

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

@mjkspeaks

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

@JasonLastname

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

@Shade510

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

@MissHavisham

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

@MaybePileJokes

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

@RandomAntics

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

@AllieGoertz

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.