@Reverend_Scott We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
@ShitJokes My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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@Reverend_Scott 
@Jake_Vig HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
@JohnLyonTweets What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
@ThugRaccoons Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
@NrouteHQ Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
@JeffLoveness “I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
@Reverend_Scott DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
@bourgeoisalien #TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
@MissHavisham “Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
@cravin4 I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.