Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
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Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.