Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
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Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing