The cats activated the rainbow portal again
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“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Good morning
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.