“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
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whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
🤔😂😂
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police