sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
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I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
When you’re here for the treats.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
You look like you would fail a DNA test