My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
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[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
“our sushi is very fresh”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..