I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
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I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating