I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
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ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”
“You have 999 new matches”