5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
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Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.