If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
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“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
why I oughta
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.