My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
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I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!