Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
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Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Not my job 😂
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
girls literally only want one thing..