We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
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Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
hmm conte-me mais
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!