Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
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I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.