Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
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Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
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Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
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when nothing goes right… go left
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters