Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
This guy’s not having it 😆
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.