Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.