Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

when nothing goes right… go left

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters