One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
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Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.